contemplations of mr. charles

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good day, ladies and gentlemen. and happy new year. i hope you had an enjoyable 2015. and an enjoyable 2014. i sure wasn’t given my fair share of blog space in the last TWO YEARS. two entire years passed (ahem, that’s fourteen years according to canine mathematics) with nothing more than a few measly mentions. for those of you who are unfamiliar with me, my name is mr. charles winston squigglebottom whitehouse. pleased to me your acquaintance. and i am the author of a much-neglected series on this online life journal, entitled, “contemplations of mr. charles”.

my last post was in december of 2013. at first i thought that my lack of posts was because of the stringent guidelines in place for this space. perhaps my content was lackluster. my writing skills, subpar. but then i started reading some of the pieces that passed muster. giveaways? pictures of food? squares of life? oh yes. such high quality works of art. (rolls eyes and sighs)

and of course, now we have a new human around here. add him to the list of topics of greater importance than myself. i mean, he hasn’t even grown into his paws yet! and i am far more charming. i happen to think that i am a hoot. and witty and winsome to boot. all this ridley has is a nice pair of blue eyes. and a mouthful of saliva. but sure, give him entire posts dedicated to his slobbery face. and by all means, do it a few times per week. mum is such a sucker for these tiny humans. it really is pathetic. i pity her, actually.

meanwhile, i am capable of crafting masterful posts that will no doubt delight the masses. and i am relegated to the couch. spending my days curled up on a furry blanket and sleeping. i have so much more to give!

just the other day, i overheard a conversation about mum’s grand plans for this space. it had something to do with a schedule and themes for days. and it went a little something like this:

motherhood monday | thoughts and stories from personal experience and the lives of others

toss up tuesday | whatever i am in the mood to share

wordless wednesday | enough said

theology thursday | musings on faith

fashion friday | style and vêtements

the idea being that content would have more of a rhyme and reason so that everyone would know what to expect. it would keep her organized. and be more purposeful.

i say! that’s a wonderful notion. things need to be tidied up around here. but may i counter? i propose the following schedule:

moody monday | where i share my various moods

treats tuesday | a collection of my favorite things to eat

wednesdays with winston | quotes from sir churchill and other luminaries

thoughts thursday | where i share my thoughts on various topics

fuzzy friday | a collection of my favorite blankets and other snuggly objects

now that’s much better. i look forward to this new plan. 2016 is off to a smashing start. paws crossed that my fantastic face graces this little corner of the internet much more often.

until next time.

adieu.

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contemplations of mr. charles

charlie

good day to you ladies and gents.  mr. charles here.

you have probably noticed an absurd lack of my presence on this online life journal.  it is not for lack of effort or content on my part, no sir.  i have dropped hint after hint.  i have made my way into picture after picture.  doing something that mum calls, “photobombing” or some other such nonsense.  alas, my presence is sadly lacking.  i suppose that i am rubbish.  old news.  i used to be the star!  a staple in this space.  featured almost weekly.  hmmmm…am i going the way of the cheeseburger on here?  when was the last time you saw one of those?  exactly.  apparently, my parents are playing out some kind of awkward identity crisis or quarter-life crisis or transition.  well, i for one am not in favor of such antics.  i am far too excellent to be overlooked.  i was here first.  i have dibs.  and i refuse to go the way of the cheeseburger, relegated to a here-or-there mention.  i declare!  bring back the classics.  give us our due!

sure, that tiny human is likeable.  but i am much more affable, wouldn’t you agree?  she barely has enough fur to cover her huge head.  and where are all her teeth?  ha!  not even a full set of teeth.  laughable.  and yet, this “elinor” gets to enjoy primo lap placement.  she makes some “aaaauup!” sound, lifts her arms to the sky, and nods her head…and mum instantly acquiesces to her tyrannical demands.  absurd.  mum lifts her up and plops her on her lap and reads story after story to her.  what about me?  where did my lap go?  i was bred for lap lounging!  i have yet to determine what this “elinor” was bred for… but the lap, that is my thing.  my territory.  and now, i am forced to compete for real estate with this little Napoleon.

enough, i say!  case in point: on a particularly chilly day, a week or so ago, mum sat on the floor during playtime and covered herself in a furry blanket.  oh!  the ideal lap!  the “elinor” was busy with her blocks and i decided to make my move.  carpe the lap!  in a swift and smooth motion, i was there.  curled up.  happy.  i gazed dreamily into mum’s eyes to convey just how joyous an ocassion this was.  and then, sacrebleu!  the “elinor” spotted me.  clearly, she was overcome with envy and instantly made her way to my happy place, determined to foil my bliss.  she gave a few feeble attempts to climbing up on mum’s lap, but i was steadfast.  i would not make room.  this is not a sharing situation.

but then, that tiny human pulled out the pièce de résistance.  she delicately stroked my fur, flashed me her quasi-toothed grin, and then placed her head on my back.  this, this is “the hug”.  so sweet.  so sneaky.  and yes, i caved.  i made room for that “elinor”.  and surprisingly, there was enough space for both of us.  sigh.  i suppose that i can share my mum’s lap from time to time.  i do believe that those elinor hugs are worth it.

until next time!  which is hopefully much sooner than the last time…

contemplations of mr. charles

 

salutations, dear readers.  mr. charles here.  it is my intention to catch you up on the happenings around my abode.  today, i would like to focus my attention on video above.  i know that you are thinking, “aawwhh, isn’t that just the cutest!” well, i would like to offer a counterpoint.  you see, i happen to think that this crawling business is quite an annoyance.  my parents brought this tiny human into our home and thus far, it has been bearable.  i get the occasional face-lick in.  sometimes i snatch up some tasty bits during feeding time.  i am getting my fair share of lap time after that elinor is asleep.  sometimes she makes a cute giggling sound at me.  and i give her a bark in return.  she even plays with me on the floor.  we stretch out and roll around together.  it is somewhat enjoyable.  i endure her little human quirks because my parents seem to like it when i am pleasant toward her.

but, what i cannot abide…is tail pulling.  do you see what she is doing to me in that video?  what an atrocious display.  that wicked gleam in her eye.  and my own mother encouraging such behavior?  and in such an obnoxious tone? reprehensible, i say.  i insist that they gain control of this unruly lady, post-haste!  i am sure that this will be no easy task.  she seems to be quite determined.

i do hope that my outlook improves in the coming months.  but i fear that it could become more trying.  i have been hearing this “toddler” term being tossed about.  and from what i understand, it could be an interesting time.  as if that tiny human isn’t cheeky enough already.  tsk. tsk.  i suppose i will have to meet her spunk with an equal show of attitude.  you have been warned.

adieu.

contemplations of mr. charles

Charliei must say, i am starting to warm to this “elinor”.  she smells good.  and she has a pretty cute little face.  i like to hang out with her in her toy paradise that mom bought for her amusement.  boy, she is spoiled.  where is MY toy paradise mom?  regardless, she is a good playmate.  sometimes i get to lick her fingers and the occasional ear or two.  and once i tried to lick up some stuff that she spit out of her mouth, which i can only assume was for me, but mom would have none of that.  apparently that is “gross charlie” and mom shooed me away.  mostly, she just sits there and makes her tiny human sounds.  i don’t quite understand her language but mom seems to.  mom has started talking to her in goos and ghees and gahs and pfffs.  the two of them sound pretty silly, if you ask me.  i like to respond to all this nonsense with a sassy little grumble, just to stay involved in the conversation as to not be left out of any inside jokes.

all in all, life is good with the tiny human.  if staring and drooling and swatting and batting and ear-tugging means love…then she must like me an awful lot.

contemplations of mr. charles

greetings, ladies and gentlemen.

well…things have really changed around here.  we now have a tiny human living with us.  you know that elinor that everyone was talking about?  well, turns out she is a tiny human.  she has some fur on her head which i like to sniff and occasionally groom with my tongue, only when my mom and dad aren’t looking.  she makes funny sounds all the time – squeaks and hiccups and sighs.  she also makes a really loud “waaahh” noise every so often.  i don’t like that sound and i don’t think my parents like it either.

since bringing her home, coco and i have been trying to adjust.  coco has accepted things rather quickly.  she just wags her tail and visits from time to time before lying down on her furry blanket.  i, on the other hand, have taken up my post as protector of the tiny human.  from the first moment i met her, i knew that i needed to take care of her.  this is my charge.  i stand guard while mom feeds her and i stay on high alert whenever others come to our home and try to hold her.  i do my best to make sure people don’t make her “waaahh”.  and i sit nearby while she is eats and burps and sleeps – just to make sure that she isn’t disturbed.

i must say that i am quite enjoying my new life as elinor guardian.  i think that we will get along rather swimmingly.

contemplations of mr. charles

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
brown paper packages tied up with strings
these are a few of my favorite things

cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
these are a few of my favorite things

well, you know what’s NOT one of my favorite things…?

“brown paper packages tied up with strings” that have nothing to do with me.

mom and dad have been bringing a lot of new things into the house lately and you know what?  none of it is for me!  none of my favorite things!  no chicken.  no treats.  no prosciutto [that’s right, i like my bacon fancy].  nada.  zilch.  and even when they do bring home a little toy, it turns out, it isn’t for me!  can you believe it?  what is going on!?  they keep saying things like “for baby” and “elinor is coming”.  fine.  but, where are my presents?

and would you take a look at this contraption?

what the…?

will someone please tell me what am i supposed to do with that thing?

dad won’t let me climb in it.

mom doesn’t like when i sneeze at it.

i am pretty sure i won’t be allowed to nibble on it.

what kind of toy is that?

they brought it in the house, dad fiddled with it for a bit, mom looked at some booklet thingy, and then they took it out where the cars live.  are they just messing with me now?  and does it get to go for a ride in the car without me.  things just keep getting worse for me.

i am not sure how i feel about all of this.  hopefully this “elinor” that they keep saying is coming soon will make things better.  maybe all these other things are the lame gifts for my parents to play with and this “elinor” will be for me!  something that i can play with finally.  my parents seem to think she will be pretty great.  they get really excited when they talk about her.  well, let me tell you folks, i get dibs on the good present.  this “elinor” is mine.  she will be my buddy.  you can keep your strange black contraption and all of those fabric items with the snaps. onesies, i think you call them?  what kind of a name is “onesie” anyway?  fine.  you keep your “onesie”.  i will take the “elinor”.